Another Day.

“I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had.”

I can feel the tears press against the back of my eyes. I can hear the argument across the hall and into my mother’s room. IT is screaming at my mother. Berating her, and beating her down verbally. I can feel the twinge of pain in my chest, as the tears start to build up.

I want to press the headphones to my ears and make the whole world go away, but inside I’m afraid that she’ll do something to my mother, so I keep the music off. It’s fighting with my Mom, but I can feel her words rip into my heart, tearing and hurting me.

I suck in a breath as I hear skin hit skin, but then I realize Gina slapped her own hand, and I can breathe again, but just barely. It’s barely a whisper.

A voice in the back of my head tells me it’s my entire fault. If I wasn’t here, it would be so much better. Mama would go back to being friends with IT. It wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. I would go to heaven.

I get rid of the thought, as quickly as it comes.

I take my boyfriends advice, and think only about him. But it’s hard to block out the voice of IT telling my mother that me and my brother are idiots. Are worthless. I can feel a wound rip open somewhere inside of me. I block it out, like so many other wounds before.

I wipe away the tears that started to fall down my face. I feel my chin quiver and I turn on Pink’s Family Portrait. It hits dead on.

IT exits my Mom’s room, and I quickly turn off the music, afraid that she will hear it and come in here and hit me, like she’s done before.

I clutch my knees and suck in my breath, back and forth as the dog comes upstairs, turning their attention away from them, and their anger is evaporated for a second, before IT remembers why she’s there and continues cutting down my mother, who I can hear sobbing in the other room.

I close my eyes and block it out. Try to. It hurts. My heart hurts. I block out the voices, block out the pain. I know more will come. Its only a matter of time.

It hurts.

Mood: Upset.
Quote of the day: “Those who say children are carefree, have forgotten their own childhood."
Song of the day: "Mad World by Gary Jules"

(Day Two) To tell the truth, or not to tell the truth, someone help!!!

Again, today (even though it is only day two…) is a suck ass day. I’m writing this… and it’s only 11: 30 in the morning! How foul.

Last night, my mother went back into my files on the internet and deleted everything. School work, homework, stories, poems, fan fictions, just random stuff that I have saved. Including pictures, and stuff I can’t get back. She went right into my lap top and deleted everything.

That makes me want to cry.

What makes me really want to cry is the fact that I just realized my brother hates me. I always thought he was joking around, when he wanted to make my life miserable. (Stuff only brothers could do, right?) Well… it turns out he wasn’t joking. He was serious. Which just makes me feel like I can take my heart and rip it into little pieces.

Not only that, but I began talking to people about how messed up my family is. It’s not like I lied about it; but apparently telling that my entire family has mental disorders is a bad thing, according to my mom. That’s why she currently won’t talk to me as of right now, since I said it on the internet.

Did I go about it the wrong way? I was told to discus the problems that I have involving my life. And I trust these people. What was I suppose to do? This stuff bothers me! Did I go about it the wrong way? Should I not have said anything, even though I was told to talk about the things that were bothering me? What the hell?

How am I supposed to talk about these things, and when I do, I get into trouble?

This is exactly the reason why I don’t talk to people. Ever. I don’t even talk to my psychologist about how I feel!

How the hell am I suppose to, when I get yelled at in the first place?!? That’s like telling me to have a cookie, and then hitting me when I take a cookie. What do I do? Close up for the rest of my life, and not talk to anybody? Because that’s exactly what my Mom seems to want me to do.

And then she complains when I don’t talk to her.

And it’s not like, I can’t share my thoughts on the internet. Trust me, I would. But I have no friends outside of the internet, to confide in. I mean, none. None at all. And again, that is my mother’s fault. She doesn’t want me to have friends. So what am I supposed to do!?!

Please somebody comment and tell me! I’m seriously confused.

--
Story time:
One day Nasreddin Hodja went to market, taking his son with him. There he bought a donkey, and on the way home he let his son ride while he himself walked alongside on foot.

After they had gone some distance they came upon some people who began talking about the pair. "The world is getting crazier and crazier," they said. "That lout of a son is sitting there at ease on the donkey, making his old father walk alongside dripping with sweat."

Nasreddin Hodja heard this comment and had his son climb down, and he himself took a seat on the donkey's back. "Now the people will be satisfied," he murmured.

Soon they came upon another group who likewise were expressing their thoughts about Nasreddin and his donkey, and indeed, loudly enough that the Hodja could hear them. "Have you ever seen anything like that? That must be an unnatural father who makes his poor boy run on foot while he himself rides proudly along on the donkey!"

The Hodja momentarily halted the donkey. "Climb up here with me!" he said to his son.

A short distance later they came upon another party, who likewise expressed their opinion clearly. "Such animal abuse! Isn't that shameless, for a cleric to torment such a poor donkey! Couldn't the two of you use your own legs and give the donkey a little rest?"

The Hodja stopped once again. "Let's climb off!" he said to his son.

They both dismounted and walked along on foot beside the donkey. But they had not gone far when they came upon another group of people who also had something to say about them. They heaped ridicule upon them:

"Such a cheapskate! It's just like him to buy a donkey and is then too stingy to use the animal."

"He must be afraid that he will rub the fur off its body."

"Which of the three is the greatest donkey?"

"They just might as well carry the donkey home."

No sooner said than done! Nasreddin Hodja followed this advice.

As soon as the people had gone on their way he said to his son, "If you ever should come into the possession of a donkey, never trim its tail in the presence of other people. Some will say that you have cut off too much, and others that you have cut off too little. If you want to please everyone, in the end your donkey will have no tail at all."

--
Mood: Confused
Quote of the day: “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” by- Bill Cosby
Song of the day: "Hot and Cold by- Katy Perry"

Day One

Jan 24, 2010

As requested by my boyfriend, counselor, and doctor; I’ve started a blog. Mainly because they say that I need to open up and talk more about how I feel. Whereas, no one would probably read this, I’m inclined to try and hopefully get some of my stress and depression off of myself.

To start off, I guess I’ll tell you a little about myself; but not enough that I’ll have a stalker or an identity thief on my hand (which seems to happen even though there is little information there, go figure.)

Lady Shirahime is my screen name. Shirahime stands for ‘White princess’ in Japanese, white meaning ‘pure like the snow’ and is not a racist thing. My real name is Krysta. I was named after the main character in a cartoon movie called ‘Fern Gully: The Last Forest.’

I’m still in high school, but I’m smart; so smart in fact, that I’ve just been offered the chance to graduate a year earlier than everybody else in my class. So please, don’t read this and act like I’m naïve, and I don’t know the ways of the world. Because I do.

I take classes online. It’s fun, and better than going to public schools, namely because online courses teach you more in a year than you’ll learn the four years of high school at a public school. Also, there’s a lot less drama, which is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I take AP College courses in English. Which is the same as saying I’m already in college, and I’m taking the AP course in that school.

I don’t deal well with people. Some would call me ‘anti-social’ but it’s more like I don’t know how to interact around people. I’m not shy though, I just don’t know what to say. I was always taught to never speak unless spoken to. When I did speak, I would always be reprimanded. Eventually I learned to just stop talking.

Apparently, according to the three listed people above, in the first paragraph, this is unhealthy, and this is damaging to my being. (Thus… this)

Anyway… back to the topic at hand. I draw manga, I write stories, I cook, and I’m on a puppet team. I don’t have very many friends though. One could say I had many friends, but I just know people… I’m not close to a lot of them. I don’t know how to be.

Today was an off day anyway. I got in trouble all day today. Sometimes, I think I just get yelled at for being alive; and I don’t know why I get yelled at. I have and do grow up in an abusive home. At least that is what people have told me. To me that is natural.

I don’t know what else to say. After all… this is just the first day. Where do I begin? Everybody has to start somewhere though, right?

Mood: Numb
Quote of the day: “Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.” By- Bruce Barton
Song of the Day: “Nobody’s Home- Avril Lavigne”

I’ll probably add more productive stuff to this in later blogs.